Shifting Priorities: A Grad School Update

Sunlight hits my soul before it hits my face

The trees wave at me

Air fills me up and leaves me better than it found me

I can breathe

These past several months have been some of the most challenging times of my life. Along with typical life struggles with family and friends, I had 70-80 hour weeks between coursework, my grad assistantships, and my job at the library. The stress of it all made me consider dropping out, changing programs, and even switching schools, over and over again.

I tried to take care of myself, but I consistently struggled to sleep, eat, and complete other care tasks with the remaining time I had. Because of the time commitment and the expectations placed on me, my anxiety and depression rose to their highest levels in a long time. I started smoking cigarettes and struggled to limit my use of other substances.

After one particularly long day, I asked a friend for help because I was so overwhelmed with life. He told me something had to give, but I had no idea what it would be. I wasn’t willing to give up my time socializing and getting involved in my community; those things actually fulfilled me. I also couldn’t give up my job or assistantships because they (partly) paid for my schooling and living expenses.

*A messy desk, not unlike the one I’m currently sitting at

Along with the stress came a disappointment with my grad school experience that started early on in the fall. While I was being challenged and learned a lot through my grad assistantships and extracurricular activities, most of the classes I’ve taken have been lacking in relevant instruction but bountiful in busy work.

After my first two semesters of grad school, I met two of my goals: become a better writer and learn new skills so I could change careers. However, there was another goal I had, and although I didn’t vocalize it much, it was just as important to me. I wanted to learn as much as I could about writing. Unfortunately, I didn’t meet that goal because most of my coursework was incredibly redundant or superficial.   

This disappointment and stress pushed me to make some changes. In my second semester, I started spending more time doing what I wanted to do, I stopped prioritizing school work, especially if it had low learning potential, and I focused on growing my relationships. 

Now that summer is here, and my only consistent commitment is working part time at the library, I have time to breathe in each moment. I spend most of my days hanging out with friends, moving my body, and taking care of myself. Sometimes that looks like sitting on the porch and journaling, sometimes it’s cooking a nutritious meal, and sometimes it’s doing a few loads of laundry. I feel better emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually, and I’ve learned a few things.

As much as I want to always do my best, my success in school should not come at the expense of my health and well-being. There is more to life than going to school, working, and living in a way that follows the societal norms we’ve been taught.

I want to enjoy my life. I don’t know how much time I have here, so I can’t keep spending most of my time trying to excel in a way that doesn’t serve me. I will go back to school this fall, and I will likely graduate next spring, but I will continue putting myself first, whatever that looks like.